Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col
December 14
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a
Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 15
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine - Two
Turtle Doves! I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 16
Dearest John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity - three French Hens! They are just
delightful, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 17
Dearest John:
Today the postman delivered four Calling Birds. Now really, you're
being too romantic. They are beautiful, but don't you think that
enough is enough.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 18
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five Golden Rings -
one for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my
nerves.
Love,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 19
Dear John:
When I opened the door, there were actually six Geese a Laying on
my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those
geese are huge. Where will I keep them? The neighbours are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 CAsh Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 20
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven Swans A Swimming!
What kind of Goddamn joke is this? There's bird shit all over the
house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a nervous wreck - it's not funny. So stop with those
fucking birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash AVenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 21
OK Buster!
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with
8 Maids a Milking? It's not enough with all these birds and eight
maids a milking, but they had to bring their Goddamn cows! There's
shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.
Just lay off me, smartass!
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 22
Hey Shithead:
What are you, some kind of sadist? Now there are 9 Pipers Playing!
And Christ do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday. The cows are getting upset and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going
to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours!
Agnes
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 23
You Rotten Prick!
Now there's Ten Ladies Dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the
cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river
of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why the building should't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it!
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash AVenue
Beaver Meadow, Col.
December 24
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the Eleven Lords a Leaping on those Maids and Ladies.
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23
birds are dead, they've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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Law Office
Badger, Bender & Cajole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Ill.
December 25
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of Twelve Drummers Drumming
which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes
McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspon-
dence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to contact
Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot on sight. With this letter you will find
attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender & Cajole
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