WE ARE BORG.  RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.  YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.  But we're not
home right now.  So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you
later.

Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.

Hello, you're caller number nine!

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344.  If you want to leave a message, please wait
for the tone.  If you want to leave your name and number, please press pound,
press 3, then dial your name, then press 6 and dial your number.  If you want
to leave your name and just a message, press star, press 6, ask for extension
4443, then leave your name and message.  If you want to leave your number and
the time you called, please press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice,
talk loud and (BEEP)

E'llo.  My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Leave your name and
number, and prepare to die.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline.  After the tone, leave your name and
number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word.  Today's word is
"supercilious."

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.  We know who you
are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain.  Leave
a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will
get back to you.

I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking
to people I don't remember.  I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by
leaving my name and telling me something about myself.  Thanks.

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.  Prepare for Test.
1.  Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ...  BEEP

(Rod Sterling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without
time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode.  You see a signpost
up ahead-this is no ordinary telephone answering device...  You have reached,
"The Twilight Phone".

Thank you for calling 434-2322.  If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your
touch tone phone now.  If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone
phone now.  If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work
off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.  Today's
commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...  er...  Bear a...  er...  Shalt not
witness thy...  uh...  Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false...  er...  Shalt not
commit a bear...  Dern...

This is a test.  This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System.
This is only a test.

The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed.  The new number is
226-0477.  Please make a note of it.

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your voice patterns are
now being digitally encoded and stored for later use.  Once this is done, our
computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands
of illegal and immoral purposes.  There is no charge for this initial
consultation.  However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you
in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to
arrange for your schedule of payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound
of the tone.  Thank you.

(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE.  SPEAK.

You have reached the number you have dialed.  Please leave a message after
the beep.

Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep.  If I die before I
wake, Remember to erase the tape.

Hello, this is Sid.  I've got a puppy in one hand and a Smith & Wesson .38 in
the other.  Leave a message or the puppy gets it.

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name
and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly the
telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet
paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms wind milling at incredible
speeds! Will he make it in time?  Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain.

Hi.  I'm probably home.  I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.