How To Give A Cat A Pill:

1)  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
    baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
    and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As
    cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and
    swallow.

2)  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa Cradle cat in left arm
    and repeat process.

3)  Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4)  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
    tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
    with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5)  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse
    from garden.

6)  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
    paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly
    with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler
    and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7)  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note
    to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines
    and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8)  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
    from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
    with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9)  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
    taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
    carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.
    Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, leave head showing.  Force
    mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink
    beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to
    cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey
    compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw Tee shirt
    away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the stupid cat from tree across the
    road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
    cat.  Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
    tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
    Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet.  Be rough
    about it.  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
    wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the emergency
    room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill
    remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new
    table.

15) Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to
    see if they have any hamsters...

How to Give A Dog A Pill:

1)  Wrap it in bacon.