{This essay, by Hugh Gallagher, won first prize in the humor category of the
1990 Scholastic Writing Awards.  It appeared in the May issue of Literary
Cavalcade, a magazine of contemporary fiction and student writing published
by Scholastic in New York City.  Gallagher, who is eighteen, grew up in New-
town Square, Pennsylvania, and will attend New York University in the fall.}

3A. ESSAY

IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUT COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE AP-
PLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION:  ARE THERE
ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALI-
ZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

  I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice.  I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention.  I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I
write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.  Occasionally, I tread
water for three days in a row.
  I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bi-
cycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brown-
ies in twenty minutes.  I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an
outlaw in Peru.
  Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended
a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.  I play
bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets.  I am the subject of numerous doc-
umentaries.  When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard.  I
enjoy urban hang gliding.  On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical ap-
pliances free of charge.
  I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear.  I don't per-
spire.  I am a private citizen, yet I recieve fan mail.  I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes.  Last summer I toured New Jersey
with a traveling centrigufal-force demonstration.  I bat .400.  My deft floral
arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.  Children
trust me.
  I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.  I
once read Paradise Lost, Moby-Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and
still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening.  I know the
exact location of every food item in the supermarket.  I have performed co-
vert operations for the CIA.  I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in
a chair.  While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group
of terrorists who had siezed a small bakery.  The laws of physics do not apply
to me.
  I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are paid.  On weekends,
to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.  Years ago I dis-
covered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.  I have made extra-
ordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven.  I breed
prizewinning clams.  I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving compet-
itions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.  I have played Hamlet,
I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
  But I have not yet gone to college.