Tips for Halloween Survival
                         ===========================

 Since there has been reports of unsafe hex going on over the last few years
 resulting in the loss of several viable members within the community it has
 been brought to my attention that there is the need to present safety tips
 for those of us who dare to venture beyond our own "safe" houses.

 These experiences have been very well documented and put up on the silver
 screen for all to see. For those of you who have not paid attention to the
 documentation, this is the official Halloween Public Service Announcement.
 Take note, so each and every one of you all can have an enjoyable Holiday.
 
 In the immortal words of Sergeant what's his name on Hill Street Blues, "You
 all be careful out there."

 If the house you're living in tells you to "GO AWAY", do so immediately.

 Never take a bath or shower with a maniac/spirit/demon/creature in the house.

 When it appears that you have killed the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, DO NOT
 check to see if he/she/it is really dead.  Keep hacking at it until it is in
 pieces small enough not to be a threat to you.

 If you've shot at it, shoot it again in the head, and remember, shoot till it
 stops moving, and then keep shooting till you're out of ammo. Then reload and
 shoot it some more. Then set it on fire and burn it up, this works with
 everything except demons and spirits. Then get the heck out of there!

 If plumbing fixtures or other structures in your home begin shaking and
 spewing body fluids, it's time to leave.

 Never read aloud from a book that summons demons.  Even as a joke.

 Don't look under the bed.

 Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

 If trees, TVs, or other objects try to consume your children, 
 save as many as you can and then get out of the area.

 If relatives or pets come back from the dead, don't approach 
 them and ask "What did you come back to do?"

 If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack 
 you, be prudent, leave the area.

 If you've hidden from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature and you are not found,
 do not peek from or decide it's safe to leave your hiding place. If you do
 decide to leave, scan the ground for twigs before you take a step.

 Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

 It is very, very dangerous to back into, or through rooms.

 If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they do not
 know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own,
 shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run.
 (Note: It will probably take several rounds of gunfire to incapacitate them,
 so be prepared.)

 When you have the benefit of numbers, never, ever, pair off, or go in alone.

 The more people the maniac/spirit/demon/creature is distracted 
 by, the better "your" chance of escape.

 Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants.

 If demons begin possessing your companions, it's a good idea to 
 leave the area as soon, and as quickly as possible.

 If your companions start turning up dead, make yourself scarce 
 before someone else does it for you. Worry about funerals later.

 If you've just finished running over the maniac/spirit/demon/creature in your
 car, keep going. Most certainly do not get out of the car under any
 circumstances to see if he/she/it is "really" dead.

 As a general rule, don't try to solve puzzles that open portals 
 to Hell or Nebraska.

 Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares.

 Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or near a grave, tomb,
 crypt, mausoleum, etc.

 Never stand in, on, above, below, beside or near a window, 
 especially those that appear that they would break easily.

 If you find something that appears to be alive that you cannot
 identify, don't pick it up or touch it, with anything.

 If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find 
 out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately or else 
 you will quickly die.

 If someone is in the water and starts screaming and is pulled 
 under,  Don't go after them or peek over the edge of the shore 
 "to see what's wrong." If you are in a boat, head for shore.

 If appliances start operating by themselves, you are in danger.

 Do not accept/take anything from the dead.

 If priests won't or can't enter your home, start looking for a new home.

 If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass
 murders, deaths, freak accidents, or super-natural occurrences, leave.

 If you wake up from a particularly horrific dream and find 
 yourself still alive, you probably aren't awake yet.

 If you find a town which looks deserted, it is probably 
 deserted for a good reason. Take the hint and stay away.

 Don't play with ouija boards. If you do and the ouija 
 board starts moving by itself, stop playing and leave.

 If supernatural beings start calling your name, leave the area
 immediately, if not sooner.

 Never pick up a hitchhiker or stop to aid a suspicious person,
 especially if he/she/it resembles Santa Claus or Satan.

 Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're really 
 sure you know what you are doing.

 Make sure that your weapon is really loaded before you try to use it.

 If your space ship gets a alien distress signal from what 
 appears to be a dead planet, don't stop to check it out.

 Never put your back to or lean on a door.

 Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

 Never speak to clowns in sewers.

 Never accept gifts from strangers, especially if you suspect 
 that they are really supernatural beings.

 If you're running from the maniac/spirit/demon/creature, expect to trip and/or
 fall down at least twice, more if you are female.  Do not turn to look back,
 if you do, you stand a good chance of tripping immediately and being
 killed.  If you turn and look back, and you don't see the
 maniac/spirit/demon/creature chasing you, stop and run immediately back the
 way you came because the maniac/spirit/demon/ creature is now in front of you.

 If your companions exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, thirst
 for blood, howling, glowing eyes, unnatural hairiness, marked resemblance to
 demons, excretion of ectoplasm or other forms of gelatinous goo, flaming
 appendages, extra appendages, etc., get as far away from them as possible.

 Listen closely to the soundtrack for hints on what is going on around you.
 Use all resources available, especially the audience, for on the average, they
 are much, much more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

 Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: 
   Amityville, 
   Elm Street, 
   Crystal Lake, 
   Transylvania, 
   Nilbog (Gods help you if you recognize this one), 
   Mydian, 
   Questa Verde, 
   the Bermuda Triangle,
   or any small town in Maine.

 Beware of transvestite doctors that sing.

 Avoid secluded mountain resorts, especially those which keep 'Redrum' in
 stock.

 Beware of strangers bearing tools of destruction such as chainsaws, staple
 guns, chipper/shredders, weed poppers, combines, lawnmowers, knives,
 flamethrowers, band saws, crossbows, napalm, grenades, high-powered rifles,
 gophers, wielding axes, laser pistols, Alludium Q-36 explosive space
 modulators or Teenage Muntant Ninja Turtles.

 If you're going to shoot something, in the immortal words of 
 Robert Ruark, African game hunter, "USE ENOUGH GUN."

 If entering your craft you put your hand in a kind of sticky/slimy/resinous
 kind of substance that was not there before, turn and run immediately.

 If you are in the Arctic and find an alien frozen in ice, don't touch it,
 don't thaw it out, leave it alone. The alien should be incinerated with
 thermite (or preferably a thermonuclear weapon), otherwise if it thaws out, it
 will kill you and every living thing on earth.

 If you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house
 immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no
 exit, make one.