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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each
with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales
begins. . .
The first says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just
the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I
wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down
the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and
made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head
off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
===============================================================================
Jack goes to the doctor and says, "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis
erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack,
"Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis
are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you are willing
to try an experimental treatment." Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"
"Well," the doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the
trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis." Jack thinks about
it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever
having sex again is too much, let's go for it."
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his
improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he
felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being
uncomfortable. To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis
immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a
roll and then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first but
then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"
Jack replied, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in
my ass."
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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth, and the doctor
told them that he had developed an experimental machine and asked if they'd
like to try it out. He explained carefully that the machine could take some
of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father.
Both the husband and the wife thought this was a wonderful idea and decided to
give it a try.
The doctor set the knob on the machine to ten percent for starters, explaining
to the man that even ten percent was probably more pain than he had ever
experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he felt and asked
the doctor to go ahead and turn it up a notch. The doctor twisted the knob up
to twenty percent, and checked the husband's blood pressure, which was fine.
Amazed, the doctor turned the knob again and increased the pain threshold to
fifty percent. Still feeling nothing, the husband encouraged the doctor to
give him "all" the pain. Again, dumbfounded, the doctor increased the load to
one hundred percent. After his wife had given birth, the man stood up,
stretched a little, and helped his wife into the car, both of them feeling
fine.
When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the doorstep.
===============================================================================
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,
the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is
suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you
don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a
healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For
lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal
for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't
discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most
importantly, tell your husband you love him several times a week and satisfy
his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think
your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
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A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman
"We don't have a maid," said the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replied, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured
was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the
witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then 2 gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But we don't have a pool."
A long pause and the man says, "Is this 832-4821?"
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The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi
notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private
chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the
Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a
lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the Rabbi says. "Thank you very
much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the
pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says: "Allright! The
charges were 100,000 Lira ($56).
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the
Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he
sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the
Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine
consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.
The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After
hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.
This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists,
the Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel!"
($0.28).
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles: "Local call."
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There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to
marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends
it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new
clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I
spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television,
and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for
you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her
investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I
am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and
decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
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The Farmhand and the Sheep
A farmhand and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days
he decides to reconnoitre, and discovers the only other inhabitants are
sheep. Recalling how his farm buddies would brag about screwing sheep for
kicks he says to himself: "I'll never be that desperate." A few days later he
can't get the sheep out if his mind, and soon he's sneaking up on the
flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his
leg and won't let go. He snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him
from making a fool of himself.
The same scene is played out every night for the next month and the guy is
really getting pissed at the dog! Then suddenly one day, the man spies a
life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a beautiful young girl, half
dead but alive. He takes her back to his hut revives her and nurses her back
to health. After a few days the girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush
of gratitude sweeps over her. She confronts the man; "I owe you my life. I'm
yours forever. I'll do anything you want".
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"
===============================================================================
Why Zookeepers Get Hazard Pay
A boy gorilla escapes from the zoo and finds its way up a tree in a bloke's
garden, where it petulantly refuses to budge. The guy phones the zoo and soon
the zoo keeper arrives armed with a large net, a revolver, and a little dog.
The zoo keeper gives the bloke the gun and says "Now listen carefully while I
explain what's going to happen. I'm going to go up the tree and shake the
branch that the gorilla is on. The gorilla will fall to the ground, whereupon
this highly-trained dog will run in and bite the gorilla in the nuts. This
paralyses the gorilla! I then jump down and throw the net over the gorilla,
and off we go."
"That's fine," says the bloke, "but what I don't understand is why you've
given me this gun?"
"It's quite simple," says the zoo keeper. "If something should go wrong, and
by chance I should fall out of the tree, SHOOT THE DOG."
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Air Force One lands in Washington, and President Clinton starts coming down
the steps. At the bottom of the steps is a young Marine, part of the honor
guard, standing at attention, holding a salute. The Marine notices that the
President is carrying a pig under each arm.
"Good afternoon, sir," the Marine says. "Nice pigs, sir!"
"Why, son, these aren't pigs," Clinton replies. "These here are Arkansas
razorbacks. I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Yes, sir," the Marine says, still saluting. "Nice trade, sir!"
===============================================================================
These three men are going through CIA training, trying to become secret
agents. They finally get through all their written and physical tests when
they are pulled aside by one of the instructors who takes them to a small room
with a one way mirror in it looking into another room.
They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The
instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and
says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes
into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it."
The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The
instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and
says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon , goes
into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do
it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."
Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there.
The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man
and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon,
goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there
are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third
man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, asshole! You
gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he
finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it;
wouldn't you rather I draw fresh pints for you one at a time?" The fellow
replies: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is now in America and the
other, in Australia. When we all left home, we promised we'd drink this way
to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
fellow becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders
three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the regulars notice and
fall silent, speculating about what might have happened to one of the absent
brothers. When the fellow goes back to the bar for a second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer
my condolences on your great loss."
The fellow looks confused for a moment and then a light dawns in his eye
and says: "Oh, no, everyone's fine. You see, it's just that I'VE given up
beer for Lent."
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Neighbor 1: Hi there new neighbor, it sure is a nice day to be moving!
New Neighbor: Yes, it is.
Neighbor 1: So what is it you do for a living?
New Neighbor: I'm a professor at the university, I teach deductive reasoning.
Neighbor 1: Deductive reasoning, what is that?
New Neighbor: Let me give you and example. I see you have a dog house out
back. By that I deduce that you have a dog.
Neighbor 1: That's right!
New Neighbor: The fact that you have a dog leads me to deduce that you have a
family.
Neighbor 1: Right again!
New Neighbor: Since you have a family I deduce that you have a wife.
Neighbor 1: Correct.
New Neighbor: And since you have a wife, I can deduce that you are
heterosexual.
Neighbor 1: Yup.
New Neighbor: That is deductive reasoning.
Neighbor 1: Cool!
Later that same day...
Neighbor 1: Hey, I was talking to that new guy who moved in next door.
Neighbor 3: Is he a nice guy?
Neighbor 1: Yes, and he has an interesting job.
Neighbor 3: Oh yeah, what does he do?
Neighbor 1: He is a professor of deductive reasoning at the university.
Neighbor 3: Deductive reasoning, what is that?
Neighbor 1: Let me give you an example. Do you have a dog house?
Neighbor 3: No.
Neighbor 1: Fag!
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A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers on his hand
like a telephone. The bartender walks over and tells him that it's a very
tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.
The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed
in my hand because I was tired of carrying my cell phone."
The bartender says, "Oh, yeah? Prove it."
The guy dials up a number and gives his hand to the bartender who talks into
the hand and carries on a conversation and then hangs up. "That's incredible,"
says the bartender. "I'd have never believed it!"
"Yeah," says the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name
it! By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender points to door in the
corner. The guy goes in and doesn't come out for the longest time. Fearing the
worst, given the tough neighborhood, the bartender goes in and finds the guy
with his pants off, spread-eagle up against the wall, and a roll of toilet
paper up his butt.
"Oh my God! Did they rob you? How much did they get?" The guy turns and says,
"No, no, I'm just waiting for a fax!"
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown
NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan
officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to
my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven
into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle
up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and
$15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and
started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone
I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to
borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
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A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels
really good about the result.
On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he
says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you
think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same
question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She
replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants
and play with your balls for a few minutes I will be able to tell your exact
age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants. A few minutes later the old lady says, "OK, you
are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at the McDonalds."
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A man walking down the beach sees an old bottle in the sand and begins to play
kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a
pissed-off genie emerges. She says, "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your
case, you son-of-a-@#*%, I am going to grant only 1."
The man thinks a minute and says, "Okay, I want to wake up with 3 women in my
bed." She says, "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle.
Next morning, the guy wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary
Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance.
===============================================================================
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the
men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on
earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women
was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there
was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one
of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my
son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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