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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big
white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to
know that your horse is about dead!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside
and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger
got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around
Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel
better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not
able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to
finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns
that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and exclaims, "I
do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,...
"Nothin' ... but you left your Injun runnin'"
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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I
want to open a damn checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him
of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen
to foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what
seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the
damn lottery and I want to open a fucking checking account in your damn bank,
okay?"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
===============================================================================
Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the
stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month. Otherwise its total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing dinner when
someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter
standing there.
"Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party
Saturday... thought you`d like to come."
"Great," says Dick, "after six months of this I`m ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some drinkin`."
"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with
the best of `em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More `n` likely gonna be some
fightin` too."
Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I`ll be
there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I`ve seen some wild sex at these
parties, too."
"Now that`s not a problem" says Dick, "Remember I`ve been alone for six
months! I`ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops at the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the
two of us."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look
up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect
that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some
bastard has stolen our tent."
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A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to
help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she
wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige,
very soft and warm."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he
goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"
The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next
room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but
very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and
writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side
up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander
further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue.
Restful, peaceful, cool blue."
The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once
more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!
This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you
a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.'
What on earth does that mean?"
The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod
across the street."
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A slight little guy is having a drink in a bar. A lot of drinks. A very
dark bar.
He leans over to the big woman next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a
funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know
something. I'm blonde, and six feet tall, 210 lb. and I'm a professional
triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde woman sitting next to me is 6'2"
and 220; she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's
6'5", weighs 250 lb., and she's a professional kickboxer. We're three
big, bad blondes! Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
The guy blinks and swallows, thinks about it a second and says, "Heck no!
Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times.
===============================================================================
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff has assured them
that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off immediately
after that.
The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms
-- both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other
is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads though the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the
door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that
this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the window
realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory.
As it begins to looks as though the plane will never take off, that it will
plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment,
the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little
sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Tony,
one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."
===============================================================================
A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met at an interfaith
congress and got to talking about the experiences that had lead to their
religious devotion.
The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a terrible storm
over a remote wilderness area. "There was lightening and thunder all around
us. The pilot told us to brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and
prayed to God to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind
calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And since then my
faith has never wavered."
The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his pilgrimage to Mecca. "A
tremendous sandstorm came up out of nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I
were almost buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward Mecca
and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a thousand feet all
around me, the swirling dust settled and I was able to make my way safely
across the desert. Since then I have been the most devout of believers."
Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story. "One Sabbath I was
walking back from the temple when I saw a huge sack of money just lying there
at the edge of the road. It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was
mine to take home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the
Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed. And suddenly, for a thousand
feet all around me, it was Tuesday."
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Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive
pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair
and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different
about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same
pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and
comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says,
"Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down
yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at
my new boots!!"
Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"
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Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over
the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over
with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where
the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just
below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the
hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
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