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A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his
wife has just produced "a typical Texas" baby boy Weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of
"Yehaaa!" was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says: "Say, you're the
father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much
does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "Seventeen pounds." The
bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds at birth."
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes
his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says:
"Had him circumcised."
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A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Turbo Z123DX.
It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000.
He takes it out for spin, and, while doing so, stops for a red light.
An elderly man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to
him. The older man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
"What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Turbo Z123DX. They cost $500,000."
"That's a lot of money!" says the older man, shocked. "Why does it cost so
much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude
proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So, the older man leans up against the car, pokes his head in the window, and
looks around. Then, leaning back on his moped, the older man says, "That's a
pretty nice car, all right."
Just then, the light changes, so the young man decides to show the older man
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting
closer! He slows down a little to see what it could be, and suddenly,
whhooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Z123DX?" the young man asks
himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whooosshh! It
goes by again! And, it almost looked like the older man on the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Turbo Z123DX?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooosh, Ka-Bbblaamm! It plows
into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops the
car, jumps out, and it's the older man! Of course, the moped and the older
man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the moaning older man and says,
"You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The older man groans and replies, "Yes Unhook my suspenders from your side
view mirror!"
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An American, a Cuban, a Scotsman and an Indian Computer Programmer, were on a
cruise ship. As they were standing on the open deck, watching the waves and
chatting, each one started showing off.
The Cuban took out a expensive Cuban cigar, lit it, took just one puff and
tossed it into the sea. The other guys were flabbergasted. They asked him
why he had to throw away such an expensive thing. The Cuban replied, "Where I
come from, we have plenty of these. So, it is no big deal".
Not to be outdone, the Scotsman pulled out a new bottle of expensive scotch
whisky, opened it, took just one sip and threw the bottle into the sea. He
simply looked at the others and said "It is no big deal! We have plenty of
that stuff where I come from".
The American just grabbed the Indian Programmer and threw him into the sea...
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet
dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before
long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about the dog notices a
leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having
lunch. The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." Then he noticed some
bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to
leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder
if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack
in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the
trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree,
figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from
the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard
with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon
catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself
with the leopard. The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and hinks,
"What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with
his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when
they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just
can't trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard,
and he's still not back!!"
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A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of
rock with five figures carved on it. In order from left to right the figures
were: 1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish 5. A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock
and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousand years
old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women
were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented
culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the
donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make
tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also
reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of
people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you are
reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it
reads, "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman."
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A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and reports that her body hurts
wherever she touches it.
"Impossible" says the doctor, "show me what you mean."
So, she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she
pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams and so on.
Everywhere she touches, she screams.
The doctor says "You are not really a redhead, are you?"
"No" she says, "I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so" says the doctor, "your finger is broken."
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