From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."  They're things people
 actually said in court, word for word.

 Q:  What is your date of birth?
 A:  July fifteenth.
 Q:  What year?
 A:  Every year.

 Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 Q:  How old is your son -- the one living with you.
 A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
 Q:  How long has he lived with you?
 A:  Forty-five years.

 Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that 
     morning?
 A:  He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 Q:  And why did that upset you?
 A:  My name is Susan.

 Q:  Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
     know about it until the next morning?

 Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

 Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

 Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

 Q:  Did he kill you?

 Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

 Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true?

 Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

 Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 A:  Yes.
 Q:  And what were you doing at that time?

 Q:  She had three children, right?
 A:  Yes.
 Q:  How many were boys?
 A:  None.
 Q:  Were there any girls?

 Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?
 A:  Yes.
 Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?

 Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?
 A:  By death.
 Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

 Q:  Can you describe the individual?
 A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.
 Q:  Was this a male, or a female?

 Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which
     I sent to your attorney?
 A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
 A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?
 A:  Oral.

 Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
 A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

 Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

 Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
 A:  No.
 Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?
 A:  No.
 Q:  Did you check for breathing?
 A:  No.
 Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
     autopsy?
 A:  No.
 Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
 A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
 WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
 LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
 WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
 LAWYER:  Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
 WITNESS: No.

 WITNESS: I swear by Almighty God.
 CLERK:   That the evidence that I give...
 WITNESS: That's right.
 CLERK:   Repeat it.
 WITNESS: Repeat it.
 CLERK:   No!  Repeat what I said.
 WITNESS: What you said when?
 CLERK:   That the evidence that I give...
 WITNESS: That the evidence that I give.
 CLERK:   Shall be the truth and...
 WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
 CLERK:   Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
 WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
 CLERK:   We can appreciate that.  Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
          and..."
 WITNESS: Shall be the truth and
 CLERK:   Say: "Nothing...".
 WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
 CLERK:   No!  Don't say nothing.  Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
 WITNESS: Yes.
 CLERK:   Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 CLERK:   Well?  Do so.
 WITNESS: You're confusing me.
 CLERK:   Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
 WITNESS: Is that all?
 CLERK:   Yes.
 WITNESS: Okay.  I understand.
 CLERK:   Then say it.
 WITNESS: What?
 CLERK:   Nothing but the truth...
 WITNESS: But I do!  That's just it.
 CLERK:   You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
 WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
 CLERK:   Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing","But","The","Truth".
 WITNESS: What?  You mean, like, now?
 CLERK:   Yes!  Now.  Please.  Just say those four words.
 WITNESS: Nothing.  But.  The.  Truth.
 CLERK:   Thank you.
 WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

 LAWYER:  On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the
          footpath to the cowshed?
 WITNESS: I did.
 LAWYER:  And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
 WITNESS: I did.
 LAWYER:  And did you observe anything?
 WITNESS: I did.  (Witness remains silent.)
 LAWYER:  Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
 WITNESS: I saw George.
 LAWYER:  You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 LAWYER:  Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
 WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
 LAWYER:  Well, would you kindly do so?
 WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
 LAWYER:  His "thing"?
 WITNESS: You know...  His thing.  His di... I mean, his penis.
 LAWYER:  You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
          sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
 WITNESS: Yes.
 LAWYER:  Did you say anything to him?
 WITNESS: Of course I did!
 LAWYER:  What did you say to him?
 WITNESS: "Morning, George."