PILOTS and CONTROLLERS

Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?

Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control towers
from around the world:

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground
controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771,
where are you going?  I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way; you turned
right on Delta.  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult to tell the
difference between C's and D's but get it right".  Continuing her lashing to
the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed
everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and
don't move until I tell you to.  You can expect progressive taxi instructions
in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell
you, and how I tell you.  You got that, USAir 2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the verbal
bashing of US Air Flight 2771.  No one wanted to engage the irate ground
controller in her current state.  Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running
high.  Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air
crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to
you once?"

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The controller who was working a busy pattern told the B-727 on downwind to
make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between
aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars
to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand
dollars worth!"

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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach speed
just a little too high.

San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.  If not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right at the light
to return to the airport."

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It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.

KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and
three miles."

Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him.  We'll follow him."

KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and
three miles.  Do you have that traffic?"

Delta 105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl): "Well...I've got
something down there.  Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle,
though."

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Unknown Aircraft: "I'm bored!"

Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!!"

Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the way, after
we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7; did
you copy the report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."

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O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one
o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that Fokker in
sight."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.  They
not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there
without any assistance from them.  So it was with some amusement that we (a
PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control
and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active
runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen!  You vill taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flow to
Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944.  In another type of Boeing, but
just to drop something off, I didn't stop."

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I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich,
Germany.  I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.
This was the conversation I overheard:

Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."

Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.  Why
must I speak English?"

Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent:
"Because you lost the bloody war!"