*** Introduction

About three months ago, Craig called me and asked me to embarrass him
as much as possible during his wedding reception.  Of course, he
didn't phrase it exactly that way, but I'm sure that was his intention
when he asked me to be his Best Man and to give a short speech.  I was
deeply honored, and fully aware of the responsibilities of this
position, and I will do my best to maintain the timeless tradition of
embarrassing the groom.

Since that first phone call, Craig contacted me several times,
possibly realizing the sheer horror of allowing me to tell stories
about him in public.  Each time he shortened the time in which I'm
allowed to speak.  We're currently down to 35 seconds, so I should
probably stop now.  ... [Pause] ... well, maybe just a little longer.

Marla, my wife, suggested that I ask the people who know Craig the
best to help write the speech.  I thought about that, trying to put
myself in Craig's position.  If he had wanted something nice, polite,
well-presented, with deep insights... he would have asked Robbie to
give the speech.  If he had wanted a flowery speech with terms like
"lovely" and "unbeknownst", he would have asked Marla.  If he had
wanted to shock and offend all of you, he would have asked Anthony.

But instead he asked me, so I can only assume he wants to be
embarrassed.

Also, Jinny specifically asked me to tell some stories from Craig's
wild past, so with minimal further ado, here are excerpts from the Big
Book of Craig's Most Embarrassing Moments, soon to be available in
paperback.

*** Background

First, a little background information.  When left alone, Craig was
never particularly good at getting himself into trouble.  That's where
we came in.  Craig, Anthony, Robbie, and I met in 1990, after we had
been at Penn for a year working on our graduate degrees in Computer
Science.  The four of us were good friends and spent much of our time
together.  Robbie is South African.  Anthony, or Ant as we call him,
is British.  I was the token American in the group, something they
rarely let me forget as they constantly corrected my version of
"English".  We used to tease each other a lot.  I suppose we still do.
Anything to avoid actually getting work done.

These characters will recur later in our story.  But now, back to
Craig:

*** Craig

To give you the widest possible perspective on Craig's antics over the
past 10 years or so, I collected stories, anecdotes, and opinions from
friends and family.  Here are a few of them:

My brother Michael reminded me that Craig likes to be called FOX, so I
ask you to please help us to continue that tradition.  You may think
this is because he is sly and cunning, ... or because of how he was
often chased by horses.  In actuality, this dates back to the time,
many years ago, when we were bowling, and the computer needed
three-letter nicknames.  Thus FOX was born.  Craig spent that night
consistently missing the same few pins.  Toward the end, we named a
group of spares after him.  To this day you can here bowlers exclaim,
"Oh no, not another left-Fox!"

Several people, Jinny in particular, noted that Craig is a great cook.
I know this to be true, and thought it was worth mentioning, even if I
couldn't think of a way to make it funny.

Craig was always health conscious and avoided prolonged exposure to
sunlight.  I recall a time around '91 or '92 when we went to the
beach.  It was early Spring, cool, and partly cloudy.  Craig was the
only one who put on sunscreen, SPF 400 I believe.  He wore a shirt,
sat under the umbrella, and still managed to be the only one of us to
burn himself.  He's better prepared now.  When he goes to the beach,
he wraps himself in aluminum foil.

To summarize the results of the email surveys, here are the top 10
descriptions: People think Craig is Nice, Polite and Well-Mannered,
Clean and Neat (we'll count that as one), Smart and Hard Working
(that's two), Quiet, Loving, Caring and Kind (one), a Gentleman,
Honest, and Supportive.  For those of you who have been counting, yes,
this top 10 list did go to 11.

Here are a few stories that exemplify Craig's qualities:

In the early '90's, our hero and his supporting cast all lived in the
Old Quaker building in Philadelphia.  The building had a nice little
courtyard where we had the occasional BBQ.  At one of these events, we
were having a conversation when Craig burped and then apologized,
saying "pardon me".  Ant, Robbie, and I looked at each other in shock
and disgust.  Did he really just... [Pause] ...say "pardon me".  "What
does that mean?" and so forth.  We gave him a particularly hard time.
Later on that evening, Craig burped again.  We all looked at him
expectantly, but he just smiled back and said nothing.  We were
pleased with ourselves and agreed that he was making good progress.

If you know Craig, you know that he avoids anything remotely
resembling exercise.  The only exception, where he seems to be trying
to make up for the rest, is his walking.  He walks fast.  According to
some of us with short legs, he walks too fast.  Even Jinny complained
that about this, and said that when they go out, she spends her time
"chasing" him.

On the topic of exercise, Robbie, Anthony, and I, and a few other
friends all bought bikes and had been riding for quite some time when
we decided to try to convince Craig to join us.  We would often return
from short, one-hour trips, or long two-day trips, me complaining for
days about how sore I was, Robbie carrying all the parts of his bike
that had fallen off, and Ant, bleeding, carrying all the parts of his
body that had fallen off.  We'd find Craig, who would pale at the
sight of us, and ask him if he was ready to buy a bike and join us.
For some reason, he never did.

Here's one of my favorite stories.  Stop me if you've all heard it.
Craig was in Europe for a conference.  After many adventures (you know
Craig), he eventually arrived at his destination in Italy.  He threw
all his stuff into a taxi and asked the driver to take him to his
hotel.  There was obviously a communication problem, so Craig took out
a map and pointed to the hotel.  The guy shook his head NO.
Surprised, but not to be denied after all he had been through, Craig
pointed again.  The driver shook his head no again.  Finally Craig
pointed one last time, with some emphasis.  The driver threw his hands
up in the air, a sign of resignation, and agreed.  Good for Craig!
The driver started the car.  He looked at the map again.  Something
seemed wrong when the car lurched forward about three feet.  And then
again, another three feet.  Then they stopped, and the taxi driver
pointed out the window to the building next to them.  Craig very
politely paid $8 for the six-foot trip.

Craig -> California

Five years ago, Craig abandoned his friends in Philly and moved across
the country to California, presumably in search of gold.  We tried to
convince him to return, but Craig seemed happy in this new
environment.  In a final act of desperation, Robbie and I sent Anthony
out there.  But even HIS presence Craig was able to bear.  We were
impressed.

Craig and Jinny: The Meeting

Two years ago, Craig and Jinny were living in the same building.
Craig's parking space was directly in front of Jinny's storage locker.
She needed to get some things out of her locker, so she went up to
Craig's apartment, knocked on his door, and asked him to move his car.
What ensued involved the police, a high speed, multi-state car chase,
and plastic surgery, but Craig wanted me to keep this speech down to
about 10 minutes, so we'll skip that part.

Craig very politely volunteered not only to move his car, but also to
help Jinny lift heavy items.  The following weekend, Craig was helping
Jinny with her taxes, finding a little loop-hole here, blatantly
breaking the law there, when one thing led to another, and here they
are today: Husband and Wife.

Craig and Jinny: The Couple

We first met Jinny at our wedding, but we didn't really get to know
her until we spent a couple of days at their house in California.  She
made us feel comfortable right away.  She made a great first
impression, and that hasn't changed over time.  Craig told me a story
about how Jinny always buys the ugliest plants from the florist.  I
asked why she would do that.  He said Jinny was afraid that nobody
else would buy the ugly plants and they would die.

Immediately we could see that she and Craig were perfect for each
other.  They're both nice, kind, genuine people, willing to do
anything for their friends.

Here's an example: When we made our plans to travel to California, we
contacted all of our friends there and suggested that we try to meet
for dinner one night.  When they heard about this, Craig and Jinny
suggested that everyone should come to their house for a BBQ.  I
declined, thanking them for the offer, worried that we had a lot of
friends there, but they insisted.

Later on they were cooking for and entertaining about two dozen
people, many of whom they had never met, and one of whom was Anthony.
If you're wondering why they moved, it is because they were evicted
after the party, but I think it was well worth it.

Conclusion/Future Wishes

Craig looks very hungry, so I'll wrap this up now.

Craig and Jinny make a good impression on everyone who's lives they
touch.  That much is clear from today's attendance.  People are here
from all over the world!  Even the fish here have been paying
attention.  They make an excellent couple, they compliment each, they
have similar interests, and most importantly, they love each other
very much.  I'm happy to know them, and proud to be their Best Man.

Please raise your glasses and help me toast the happy couple...

Jinny...Fox... Let me be the first to wish you a happy 1-hour
anniversary.  I know you will have a long, healthy, happy life
together... Congratulations!!