From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled by
Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book "Sex & Zen & a Bullet in the
Head", to be published in August by Fireside.  Cited in Harper's, June 1996.


    *  I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

    *  Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

    *  A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

    *  Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

    *  Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

    *  Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

    *  You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

    *  I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

    *  Beat him out of recognizable shape!

    *  Beware!  Your bones are going to be disconnected.

    *  How can you use my intestines as a gift?

 On a blanket from Taiwan:
	NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO

 On a Sears hairdryer:
	DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING

 On a Korean kitchen knife:
	WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN

 On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
	FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY

 On a Japanese food processor:
	NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE

 On a Swedish chainsaw:
	DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS

 THE TOP 15 CHINESE TRANSLATIONS OF ENGLISH MOVIE TITLES

 15. "Pretty Woman" = "I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money"
 14. "Face/Off" = "Who Is Face Belonging To?  I Kill You Again, Harder!"
 13. "Leaving Las Vegas" = "I'm Drunk And You're a Prostitute"
 12. "Interview With The Vampire" = "So, You Are a Lawyer?"
 11. "The Piano" = "Ungrateful Adulteress!  I Chop Off Your Finger!"
 10. "My Best Friend's Wedding" = "Help!  My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!"
  9. "George of the Jungle" = "Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps
			       Whacking Tree With Genitals"
  8. "Scent of a Woman" = "Great Buddha!  I Can Smell You From Afar!
		           Take a Bath, Will You?!"
  7. "Love, Valour, Compassion!" = "I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It's
	                            Acceptable for Straight People to
				    Enjoy This Gay Movie"
  6. "Babe" = "The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural
	       Problems"
  5. "Twister" = "Run!  Ruuunnnn!  Cloudzillaaaaa!"
  4. "Field of Dreams" = "Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield"
  3. "Barb Wire" = "Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger
		    Than Your Head Can Hurt You"
  2. "Batman & Robin" = "Come to My Cave and Wear This
			 Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy"
  1. "The Crying Game" = "Oh No!  My Girlfriend Has a Penis!"

 [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]